Kermit starts to croak (and a small-town murder)

It all started on Saturday as I was driving to my long-anticipated week-long seaside retreat. It was mid-day and I had just passed the turn-off to Pringle Bay and was approaching the hill which leads to Betty’s Bay. Suddenly my car started making a ga-da-ga-da-ga-da kind of noise. I couldn’t decide whether it was coughing or spluttering or knocking. Whatever it was doing, it wasn’t happy. The oil light came on and then the engine started wheezing and I was preparing for the death-rattle. It started making something like a seizing-up type of noise, which is just about the worst kind of car sound that you can hear if you’ve ever, like me, had a car engine seize up on you for lack of oil.

I was scared. I don’t think I was trembling like the women seem to do a lot of in Wilkie Collins’ The Woman in White but I was alarmed and anxious. And my heart beat faster and I feared the worst. (You see, that’s what reading thrillers does to you.) Anyway, my legs might have started feeling a little wobbly and my breathing was certainly shallower.

I managed to get up the hill and coasted down again and when we were going about 5km/hr I noticed that a silver golf GTI was cruising very slowly behind me and its four occupants were swaying along to their music, apparently oblivious to the croaking catastrophe in front of them. I waved at them to pass and they waved out of the windows in time to the music and seemed surprisingly merry. Perhaps they were a little drunk. I thought of the irony of the phrase “not waving but drowning” and waved at them again. This time they drove past in a rush of mellow R&B and seemed hardly to notice that their fellow Betty’s Bay traveller was about to come to a forlorn stop on a lonely country road.

I decided to jump out while the car was still moving and to use its momentum to help me push it as far as I could. This was not very far. I almost made it to a side-road which leads to my parents’ holiday house but not quite. And then we stopped. I thought of the food that would go off if not refrigerated within a few hours. My laptop and my luggage. How many trips would it take to lug all of this to the house and back?

And then I thought I would try and start the car and, surprisingly enough, it spluttered back into life. We chugged and wheezed and knocked our way to the house where I parked the car in the garage and left it alone to consider its fate.

To cut a long story short, I left the car for two days and then slowly drove it to the closest town (Kleinmond) this morning where the mechanic gave the verdict. A total engine overhaul which will cost at least about R7,500. By this stage I was not surprised. I was not terribly alarmed anymore. I was thinking about my car’s new name, given in honour of its croaking performance over the past few days. Add in the colour, which is a bluey-greeny shade of metallic green (or perhaps petrol, who knows?) and you have Kermit the frog, sadly lacking his Ms Piggy who seems to have long moved off to greener and less-croaky pastures.

I was already thinking of the blog-post that I would write and I was sufficiently distanced from the calamity to be quite entertained by the passing traffic on Harbour road, which is the most interesting street in Kleinmond. There are art galleries and a bar and coffee shops and restaurants and at least one pottery studio and also a beauty salon. I wondered what would happen if, Borat-like, I approached the beauty salon across the road with a secret camera and asked the bored assistant in the black top whether they provide happy-ending massages. I imagined a moment of strained hilarity as the Afrikaans girl tried to understand the correct meaning of this term. Perhaps it wouldn’t be so funny after all.

And then it was time for some reviving tea and to watch the two middle-aged guys a bit further down drinking coffee and commenting on anything interesting that passed by in the road. Just at that moment there passed by a double-cab bakkie painted in camouflage stripes.

“Now that oke has a complex,” said the pony-tailed guy, as if he and his friend talked about people’s complexes all the time. I wondered if they were also psychologists.

“Ja, maybe he’s in the army or he wants to be in the army,” commented his friend in the short-sleeved white shirt dismissively.

The mention of the army made me frown into my own tea and I thought of the camouflage outfit that awaited me when I returned to work.

On the drive back to Betty’s Bay the mechanic’s wife was all chatty and told me how Otto (her husband) and she moved to the town 10 years before and how their children still went to school in Paarl. And then we got to the real gossip of the town. A local murder and a suicide.

“It’s all in the forensics,” she told me concerning the murder. The angle of the bullet into the husband’s own leg and the angles of the bullets into the two coloured assistants who were lying on the floor.

‘What they don’t know,” she continued, “is whether he shot his wife himself or whether it was one of the other guys.”

“Shocking” was my reply. “Do they know why he did it?”

She rolled the thumb and middle finger of her left hand in the air between us and said simply “money”.

“He had an R11 million life assurance policy out on her,” she added, “but I knew something was fishy from the start. Who goes out leaving his front door unlocked in this day and age?”

“You’re right,” I said, trying to imagine the kind of man who could do such a thing to his own wife, and all for money.

“How old were they?”

“In their early thirties. And they had young children too.”

I’d forgotten all about my car by now. A murder! And right in this sleepy seaside town, hardly a block away from Otto’s workshop.

Mrs Otto then told me about the suicide, a tragic case of youthful depression. She struggled with the term “bipolar” and managed to explain that the 19-year old girl, a policeman’s daughter, had suffered from manic depression.

“It’s very sad,” she said, not looking particularly sad herself and I noticed that I was feeling a little sad but also relieved at the same time. I was at least safely back home, even if Kermit’s fate is still unknown.

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15 Responses to Kermit starts to croak (and a small-town murder)

  1. Thanks for the entertaining story about the car, Pete! It sounds like there’s a book in that murder story.

  2. You can now tell people you own a Rolls-Canardly. It rolls down hills and can hardly make it back up. 🙂

  3. Pete says:

    Lilian – Thanks. Yes, it would be interesting to explore that murder story in more detail.

    Ian – Good one! And Rolls-Canardly definitely sounds better than Kermit.

  4. litlove says:

    I must say that all I could think of while reading this post was: I wish I was stranded in Betty’s Bay for two weeks with a kronky car. I mean, I really enjoyed the stories, but location lust was upon me. You have no idea how cold, grey and horrid England is right now.

    • Pete says:

      Litlove – Well I’m sorry that the weather there is so horrid. February is the worst, isn’t it? It’s a bit overcast here and it rained earlier if that makes you feel any better! And I now have a 3km walk to the shops and then back again so that I can get a decent supper. But that’s hardly worth complaining about!

  5. Grad says:

    I was thinking the same thing as Lillian – what a great story it would be. You know…a person (you) gets stuck in a small town with a car that’s on the blink, and there’s a murder, and maybe you’re called upon to solve it, and there’s all kinds of quirky characters. And the fact that it’s a lovely seaside town makes it even better…kind of evil lurking within beauty type of thing. Oh, sorry about Kermit. Hopefully, he can recover.

  6. sandy says:

    This ability of yours to entertain yourself with amusing thoughts and imaginings while stranded with major car troubles? Cognitive tool of a lifetime!

  7. Good heavens … what with one thing and another, what an exceptionally lurid day!

  8. doctordi says:

    That’s the most alarmingly eventful start to a ‘relaxing holiday’ that I’ve ever heard! It’s DEFINITELY story material. Maybe kick it off as a short story on one of your less disturbing afternoons in BB…

  9. Pete says:

    Grad – You’re right. Will have to get the rusty writing wheels turning on this one. That is, if I can get off the couch from where I’m reading and gazing out at the beach.

    Sandy – CBT comes to my rescue once again! Of course, a good imagination can be a dangerous thing too. But things always seem a bit easier when they’re part of a narrative.

    David – Yes, and it’s a bit disturbing about the murder. Makes me wonder about the general mental health in these small towns!

    DoctorDi – Good idea. Now if I can just remember how a short story works. I’m hopeless when it comes to plot. And I wouldn’t know a narrative arc if it beached itself in front of me. Or perhaps I would and I just don’t know it. Sigh. Time for creative writing 101 perhaps.

  10. natalian says:

    I must admit car troubles send me into a bit of a panic! How lucky that you made it to your garage in Betty’s! Give Kermit his dues – he spluttered you home eventually. Hope he gets some vroom back into his life!

  11. boxofbooks says:

    Kermit – what a great name for a car. I hope he makes it back to health soon. It’s funny how naming a car seems to give it a weird sort of personality. I started calling my old lavender hatchback Fang, as a joke, but we really do have a better relationship (fewer engine problems, better heating, less cursing from me)since then.

  12. Pete says:

    Natalian – Yes, am proud of Kermit that he didn’t die on the trip to Kleinmond. Apparently I shouldn’t have been driving it all!

    BoxofBooks – That’s true. I’m likely to be more considerate of Kermit’s general health after this. I’m a great believer in car karma so I take Kermit’s current troubles personally. Fang sounds fierce and friendly at the same time.

  13. Gaikachi says:

    This is now more than a year ago that this has been posted, just read it now for the first time. I live in Betty’s Bay and must say this is the best place in the world, for me that is. The girl who commited suicide was a friend of mine, a very sad story. I do like what you have said about our little town, and a story of this town might be a good idea. There are alot more stories of this town, like the ghost in kleinmond of a boy who drowned. Hope you will visset BB soon again with less car trouble and that you will learn even more about this magical place.

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