What’s a birthday without some over-sharing?

I’m really tempted to do a bit of over-sharing today, seeing as it’s my birthday on Saturday and that naturally leads to some soul-searching. But what picture to use? The obvious choice would be a childhood picture that shows what a cute little kid I was. A naughty dimpled smile, brown shining eyes and any-which-way hair. But, scanning through the recent pics I have here, my attention is drawn to this one. Birthday dinner, April 2005.

I was living in Joburg at the time and I was doing pretty well in my job, although I was secretly wanting to throw in the towel and go off and study again. I like this picture because it shows me having fun and, well, try as I might, I’ve not exactly been having a lot of that recently. Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy all the reading and virtual interactions and the time spent with P and my family, but there’s been a definite tapering of fun over the past few months. The real social interactions have been drying up and as I start to worry about the end of my community service and the next stage in the job process, the anxiety is holding its own. Having fun, my stern internal voice seems to ask? Well just stop it. There’s serious stuff to be attended to here, such as this job application and your patients and the house and your mom’s health and such like.

But this picture also reminds me what it’s like to just celebrate your birthday. I’ve had 38 of those so far so I should have a lot of easily-accessible memories. But I tend to remember the disappointments more than the good times. Last year was fun – we went to Stardust where each waiter has to sing or dance or play a musical instrument. Our waiter did a pretty good turn on the tenor saxophone while another waitress who was actually an actress knocked us all dead (in a manner of speaking) with her belting rendition of “Be good to Mama” from the musical Chicago. I also remember it as a painful birthday because it was about this time that I finally accepted that my ex had moved on. Over’s skedover.

But let’s get back to the photo, shall we? It shows me in my favourite blue linen shirt (an old present from my sister) with my arm around a pretty girl in green tassles and a slightly anxious smile. No, she was not my girlfriend. She was a belly dancer at a Greek restaurant at Sandton Square. My face shows a mixture of tiredness, relief, embarrassment and delight. I’m being perhaps a little forward by putting my arm around the belly dancer? Um, it was only momentary and it was part of the fun as I recall. (Now I wonder what P would think. Would she be irritated, jealous, threatened, amused?) I think what I liked about the belly dancer, apart from her skill at dancing, was her smile and her energy. There’s something a little sad perhaps about how easily men are (emotionally) seduced by pretty girls. Did this girl represent the energy and enthusiasm which I felt was a bit lacking in my life at the time?

I also loved the fact that I got to break plates on my birthday and to forget the relationship troubles that I was having. I can’t remember if it was shortly after this that my girlfriend broke up with me for the last time. Perhaps it was. We had already discussed that I was planning to pursue my goal of doing a Master’s in Clinical Psychology, which would take me to Cape Town. She was in fact the one who encouraged me to go for it. I also remember that said girlfriend had been crying that day while I had spent the day playing in a Scrabble tournament. The Scrabble thing is a long story but my research manager at the time was a Scrabble champion and I got all inspired to play. (The crying is not relevant to this story. Not my doing as I recall. Really. But I also have a sinking suspicion that I should have been more supportive. Really.)

What I also like about this picture is that it captures the embarrassment and relief of being noticed and spoiled a bit on my birthday. I would quite happily spend the day avoiding people (all those so-called friends who won’t remember to wish me) but of course at the same time I’m really very grateful that anyone bothers at all. Because, and forgive the self-reflective angst here, as old and experienced as I am, there’s still a deep-down fear that people don’t actually care. I know that I’ve been had lots of love over my life (and I’ve been really spoiled) but somehow the childhood fears remain. I remember that my 10th birthday was the last one I celebrated with friends for a good few years. And my 21st? Let’s not even go there.

On Saturday I’ll be having a family breakfast at Kirstenbosch and then we’ll drive down to Betty’s to unpack furniture and spend the first full day in the new house. There’ll be walks on the beach, new books to read, sipping sundowners on the new deck with P. Spending the first night in the new house (admittedly without curtains). All it needs is a soundtrack. The first song that springs to mind? “This could be heaven” by Queen.

Here’s the photo:

dsc00038

Advertisements

9 Responses to What’s a birthday without some over-sharing?

  1. litlove says:

    Happy Birthday for Saturday, Pete! You share a birthday with my mother-in-law, bizarrely, not that it has any relevance whatsoever. It’s a great photo and some cool memories too. I’ve come to think of birthdays as layers, each year bedding in more wisdom, experience, depth of knowing people and knowing oneself. Just think how much this past year has added – loads. Here’s wishing you a wonderful 39th year, full of love and pleasure and fun and fulfilling experiences.

  2. Natalian says:

    Your ‘Birthday Line-Up’ sounds fabulous! And you do have much to celebrate at the closing of your 38th year – you achieved a goal which evidently started out in 2005! Last year you were feeling low about your ex, this year you have P, in Betty’s Bay, on a deck, sipping sundowners! Turn up the volume Pete… you could just well be in heaven!

  3. adevotedreader says:

    Happy Birthday fopr Saturday!

  4. Pete says:

    Lilian, Litlove, Natalian, Sarah – Thanks for the good wishes. We came down to the Bay a day early and it is really great to be here. As I type this (lying in bed I might add), I’m looking out towards the sea and a gorgeous sunset. It does feel as if I’m in heaven 😉 I can’t think of a better way to see out my 38th year.

  5. doctordi says:

    Hey, today is Saturday, which makes it…. your birthday! Happy days, Pete. I hope Betty’s continues to dish up much more of the same. Birthdays are such a mixed bag, but you sound like you’ve chosen very well this time around! And how nice to actually *see* you – thanks for over-sharing with us. Have a great birthday.

  6. Ella says:

    I will add my happy birthday to the pile and say, we have almost the same one (mine is the 8th)and I too am slightly mad about having an unfun birthday. I should have gone out and broken some plates. Maybe next year.

  7. Pete says:

    DoctorDi – Thanks, Betty’s was lovely and I feel quite refreshed (although not thrilled to be back at work). I still feel I should have done something more social with some friends so will have to organise something.

    Ella – Happy Birthday to you too! I think plate-breaking when you’re moving sounds a bit scary but hope you still had fun. 😉

  8. A belated Happy Birthday to you. I am amused to see that your photo aligns almost exactly with the mental picture I’ve had of you, based on nothing other than your writing.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: