Legalese (or wake me up when it’s over)

[Sorry in advance for the incoherence below. I had a rather up-and-down weekend. Was sick in bed but also then got up to visit some charming friends of P’s. I guess I’m a bit worse for wear today, and am hoping I get through the week unscathed. Below is my attempt at being funny about learning for the psychology board exam. Hmmm, I guess it’s not that funny after all.]

Hereafter, and not withstanding any of the above, sine qua non ipso facto … shall be guilty of an offence in terms of the Mental Health Care Act 17 of 2002. Applying these principles to section 10 of 1988, and deleting the modified sub-sections from 1985, it could conceivably be understood that my learned colleague has the intelligence of a donkey, an ass, I mean, he doesn’t have the intelligence of an ass. (If by ass is understood an involuntarily assisted person(s) over the age of 18 without the consent of their mother, father and/or social worker requiring assistance, determined under sub-section 2 paragraph s.5 (aA) of Act 96 of 2002.)

By which I mean to say that
a) the child has no parent or guardian;
b) s/he displays behaviour which cannot be controlled, not even by sitting him / her down in front of a DVD of their choice;
c) the aforementioned choice being limited to whatever is available in a standard living room;
d) which may or not measure 3 metres by 5 metres and have child-proof railings;
e) but is most likely to be one of: Finding Nemo, Toy Story (1 or 2), Barney the Dinosaur, Teletubbies or, in extreme emergencies, Tinkerbelle;
f) but not Cartoon Network if it is available.

i) This section has been over-ruled by the Constitutional Court; and
ii) Any person convicted of an offense shall be liable to a fine not exceeding 20 trillion Zimbabwe dollars (or R30), whichever is less convenient at the time of sentencing.

There. Clear as mud. No wonder my stress levels have reached “intolerably high levels” as determined by the Prevention of Family Violence Act (to be read in conjunction with the Domestic Violence Act).

Vis a vis, and a propos of nothing, or just because I’m a geek, you could always read the excellently legalistic Party of the First Part.


5 Responses to Legalese (or wake me up when it’s over)

  1. Good luck on the exam.

  2. Having a bad day there, Pete? Studying can be grim.

  3. Natalian says:

    Whenever reading any type of legal jargon I can actually feel my brain start to swell in my head as it tries to comprehend the meaning behind it all!!! Headache material! What else can one do but find some humour in it all!

  4. Pete says:

    Lilian, charlotte, Natalian – Yes, sorry, was having a bady day and studying didn’t help. Bit like blogging under the influence (BUI) – you always regret it the next day 😉

  5. Litlove says:

    Well I thought it was funny. 🙂

    That kind of discourse drives me up the wall. Is it really not possible to just say something? Poor Pete. It’s one thing to have to read Lacan, but quite another to have to get through a wall of legalese!

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